The Back to Work Woes.

I have to go back to work in two weeks.  It has be weighing on my mind for three weeks.  I have all of these feelings that I didn't expect. Before Finley was actually here, there wasn't even a question that I would go back to work. I love my job and my co-workers (which how many people can say that and really mean it?) and I love the daycare we picked out. I have never pictured myself as the stay at home mom type. I didn't expect it to be this hard.  I want what is best for all three of us, but what is best? That is the big question. Brian has been wonderful,  he has discussed the pros and cons with with me and fully supports whatever I decide. It's hard for me to talk about it without getting really emotional, so I thought maybe it would be better to write it out.  I have already decided to go back, but for some reason that decision is causing this horrible "pit in the stomach" feeling.  The feeling I get when I am forcing/talking myself into something that my brain and heart do not agree on.  Confused.  Is it just my hormones? Is it guilt? Is it fear? I just want relief in my decision, relief from this icky feeling.  This is one of the biggest decisions of my life and will effect everything from here on out. I have hypothetically chosen each and I don't get the comfort that comes when you know you made the right decision either way.   Why does going back into the real world feel like doomsday?  I have decided to make a pros and cons list, so I can have a visual to go along with the tug of war that has been going on in my head.  May "what's best" win. 

Pros and Cons of Going Back to Work verses Staying Home with Fin:
Pros

1. Money, let's be real it one of the biggest factors and reasons to go back.  We would have to live pay check to pay check if I stayed home and would not have any extra spending money for anything. 
2. Friends/Co-Workers/Adults, since Brian and I have only lived in Savannah for little over two years most of the people we know are through work.  If I stayed home I would feel isolated and lonely.
3. I heart my job.  No really, I love it, I have so much fun and work with some amazing people.
4. Quality time vs quantity of time with Fin.
5. Chance to meet other working mommies in Fin's class
6. Fin will get to socialize and be around other kids.
7. I"ll get to keep the great job that I love vs. having to look for another one I might not like as much in a year or two.
8. My insurance is much better.
9. I won't be bored.
10. I will have my own thing, my own life, better balance.
11. I enjoy working.
12. Fridays will feel like Fridays again.
13. I'll have the opportunity to learn and take classes. I could take a photography class or a fiber class for free.
14. I am able to stay close and involved with art.
15. Fin will have more, be able to do more if I work.
16. Future babies.  Our babies don't come free...fertility treatments are expensive, adoption is expensive....working will make future babies possible and that is probably my biggest incentive. 

Cons

1. I will feel like I am missing out on precious, fleeting time with Finley.
2. Fin won't get the same attention at daycare that she will at home.
3. The thought of Fin sitting in a daycare all day makes really sad, sad like tears rolling down my face every time I think about it sad. Will they do tummy time with her, will they hold her and cuddle her, will they read to her, or will she just sit in a swing or in a crib all day?
4. I am going to miss her.
5. Breastfeeding will be much more challenging. 
6. Brian and I will have to do some crazy car juggling.
7. I worry that I will be tired and not have the energy to be the mom I want to be, however staying home I might take our time for granted and therefor not be the mom I want to be. 

I am sure there are things that I am forgetting on both lists, but I think this shows which way I am leaning and what really is best for our family.  It will be hard.  It will take some major adjusting and getting use to, but in the end it will be better for all of us if I work.  I still don't have any relief in this decision, but I do have relief in knowing I can always change my mind.  

If you have any positive thoughts, or words of encouragement, please share.  If you know someone who has gone back to work or are someone who went back to work and survived, please let me know what I can do to prepare.