You are enough.

One of my favorite quotes/life mantras is, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I am naturally a shy person, but I realized long ago that I had two options.  I could live in a safe, but boring bubble of familiarity and dullness, or I could live a much more exciting life, by taking chances and putting myself in situations where I am forced to grow and connect.  I am shy, but I have a passion for adventure. I love people and I love hearing their stories.I am a great listener, but not always too great at sharing my own stories.  I prefer to listen, which is good, because I have found that most people prefer to talk. However, on occasion I have to take the lead.  I like being in charge, although sometimes I get intimidated, unsure, insecure.  Want to know how I deal with the awkward, uncomfortable feeling I get every time I put myself in a situation that scares me? I tell myself, "this is your chance to practice, practice this thing, this thing that you wish you did better.  You don't have to be perfect, you just have to try.  The more experience you gain, the easier it will be next time. You don't have to be anyone other than you. You are enough." 

That statement has magical powers. Try it.

Sometimes your body knows how to get what it needs.

Today I am sick. Sick enough to stay home and trust me that's pretty sick.  Staying home sick used to be easy, I would just pull the covers back over my head and declare, "I'm sick and I am not leaving this bed, bring me soup." Well it's not like that anymore.  While I can just text into work, Finley requires that I show up no matter what and prove it.  

Being sick now involves so many decisions all which come with tremendous amounts of guilt attached. I am sick and yet I also feel this guilt,which makes me stressed, which is why I am sick in the first place. I am having a hard time being here at home while Finley is in daycare, but I know that I won't be able to rest if she is here with me, plus I don't want to get her to get sick.  Makes sense, but for some reason I still feel like I am slacking as a mom. I have to remind myself a hundred times a day that I'm not a superhero, I'm just a person.

 I have been going, going, going since Finley was born and last few weeks have been especially stressful and demanding and while my mind can't ever stop, my body apparently has had enough. It decided in order to get the rest it needs, it was going to have to make it physically impossible for me to do anything but lay in bed.  I have a funky flu bug. I not going to go into details we all know what a funky flu bug consists of...

So I took Finley to daycare and I came home and slept.  It was the best sleep I have had in six months and I am not meaning to be dramatic here, it simply was.  

My mind doesn't understand sick days.  It has given me all kinds of guilt about calling in, taking Finley to daycare, being home, being lazy and it even told me, "if you're sick you should go to the grocery store and get what you need to make homemade chicken noodle soup." I mean seriously internal voice, shut the h up!  I am not good at resting, even when I don't feel well, but I'm trying, trying to let the guilt go and work on giving my body what it needs, so in return I can be a better mom, wife and worker.

Letters to Finley: Well I'm pretty sure this is what you would have wanted.

You have no idea how hard this decision was for your dad and I to make.  I mean this is your head we're talking about...We didn't want to do it. We tried to convince ourselves that you didn't really need it, but deep down I knew, I knew this was right for you and I am learning that this is why parents on put on this earth; parents exists to make sure you eat your vegetables, brush your teeth, don't watch too much TV and to make these parenty decisions when you are too little to speak.  We have this crazy bond me and you.  I literally hurt when you hurt, I'm sad when your sad, and when you smile I'm all kinds of happy too, so I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was best for you.  If I could wear it for you, I would.   We will get through this together, we can do hard things.

XOXO,

Momma