Today I am sick. Sick enough to stay home and trust me that's pretty sick. Staying home sick used to be easy, I would just pull the covers back over my head and declare, "I'm sick and I am not leaving this bed, bring me soup." Well it's not like that anymore. While I can just text into work, Finley requires that I show up no matter what and prove it.
Being sick now involves so many decisions all which come with tremendous amounts of guilt attached. I am sick and yet I also feel this guilt,which makes me stressed, which is why I am sick in the first place. I am having a hard time being here at home while Finley is in daycare, but I know that I won't be able to rest if she is here with me, plus I don't want to get her to get sick. Makes sense, but for some reason I still feel like I am slacking as a mom. I have to remind myself a hundred times a day that I'm not a superhero, I'm just a person.
I have been going, going, going since Finley was born and last few weeks have been especially stressful and demanding and while my mind can't ever stop, my body apparently has had enough. It decided in order to get the rest it needs, it was going to have to make it physically impossible for me to do anything but lay in bed. I have a funky flu bug. I not going to go into details we all know what a funky flu bug consists of...
So I took Finley to daycare and I came home and slept. It was the best sleep I have had in six months and I am not meaning to be dramatic here, it simply was.
My mind doesn't understand sick days. It has given me all kinds of guilt about calling in, taking Finley to daycare, being home, being lazy and it even told me, "if you're sick you should go to the grocery store and get what you need to make homemade chicken noodle soup." I mean seriously internal voice, shut the h up! I am not good at resting, even when I don't feel well, but I'm trying, trying to let the guilt go and work on giving my body what it needs, so in return I can be a better mom, wife and worker.
I remember when I was pregnant with Lyla- going through depression AND having a broken wrist. I felt guilty AND helpless. I felt my mood swings would affect my children for life (and in a way it may HAVE taught them some bad things) and that a part of their childhood had been taken from them because I couldn't hold them or even do simple things for them because I couldn't use my right dominant hand. The thing is, when we are sick and unable, we are showing our kids we love them by taking care of ourselves. I learned that. It's only in taking care of ourselves first that we can be good mommies. And you ARE a good mommy!! Otherwise you wouldn't worry so much or feel guilty. Hope you guys feel better soon!!
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