My inner gymnast vs. my inner hurdler.

The Olympics has me thinking about my inner gymnast vs. my inner hurdler.

Don’t laugh, but as long as I can remember I have always had this visual in my head that goes along with the feeling of a job well done, an accomplishment reached, a goal achieved.  Instead of patting myself on the back (who does that), I always picture myself as a gymnast (I can’t believe I am sharing this with you).  A gymnast dressed in a sparkly leotard, running fast, doing a triple-super-duper-mega-loopy- loop twist-flip-spin super high up in the air and sticking the landing. Then just for dramtic effect I hold that landing for two seconds and when I’m ready and steady, my hands fly up, cameras flash, crowd goes wild. Yep. That’s how it goes. Feels great every time.

I haven’t had too many of those moments lately.  My internal gymnast has turned into a hurdler and not a good one. My hurdles this month have felt more like mountains and I am not leaping over them Olympic style, instead I am crashing and burning over most. But what can you expect, I am trying to jump them in heels and a skirt, with a baby in my arms.  Too exhausted to run, I just stand in front of most lifting one leg over at a time. Others, I’m just being shoved through and as soon as I get past one BAM! there’s another.  Just when I think I can’t do it again, I take a breath, sing that pesky song I learned in elementary school, you know the one, “can’t go under it, can’t go over it, got go through it."  Through it. Gotta live through it. So instead of leaping, soaring over, I just have been plowing through.  It’s not pretty, my performance certainly will not win me any medals, but some how I'm doing it, I'm still in the race. 

I have been back at work for one month.  My goal when I first returned was to make it through the first month, before I had a self “check-in” to re-evaluate my decision to be a working mom. I gave myself time to be miserable, to adjust, and to find out how strong I really am. So here I am a month later looking back at some of those brutal hurdles, battle wounds still a little fresh, out of breath, exhausted, but stronger.  I’m not just an anxiety attack in a dress anymore, it’s getting better, it’s getting easier.  It feels right, it’s hard, but sometimes the most worthwhile things are. I say keep those hurdles coming universe! Because the more I practice I get, the sooner I’ll be jumping high and sailing through, heels, dress, baby and all!

GET HERE NOW MOMS!

 Half way through my maternity leave, I acknowledged the fact that I would be going back to work and for the first time the reality hit me so hard it knocked me right out the warm, fuzzy, maternity leave bubble.  Panic, anxiety, tears, crept in every time I had to think about the transition ahead. Being a new mommy was a full time job in itself, how could I possibly juggle both? How would I be able to leave Fin? Would she be okay? Would she forget who I am?  These were tormenting questions that tainted our time together.  I was trying to, “enjoy every minute” just like every stranger, at every store, felt the need to tell me to do, but going back to work was weighing heavy on my mind.  

So, I did the only thing you can do when you are overwhelmed, down, sad, and hurting.  I called in the troops.  Actually more like, I called in the generals, General Grams Paula and General Grandma Jackie.  My moms, my heroes.   I called out for help and within five minutes my mom had rearranged her work schedule and my mother in-law had booked her plane ticket. They came swooping in like Good Witches of the North, magic wands, and all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP_wx0qrKu0

I am so grateful I have such wonderful family support in my life.  I tell them time and time again that they are the best moms in the whole world, because I can’t think of anything bigger or better to say.  Perhaps I should start saying that they are the best moms in all the worlds, just in case there are, by chance, some other comparable alien moms up there. Thank you never seems to be enough, but I hope my “Good Witches” know if it wasn’t for their support, cheers, hugs, chats, expertise, counseling, and cooking, I would probably be under the bed in a fetal position clutching Fin, hiding from life, avoiding reality. And according to the “How to Take Care of Baby” books, that is not an acceptable place for a girl to grow up.

The Back to Work Woes.

I have to go back to work in two weeks.  It has be weighing on my mind for three weeks.  I have all of these feelings that I didn't expect. Before Finley was actually here, there wasn't even a question that I would go back to work. I love my job and my co-workers (which how many people can say that and really mean it?) and I love the daycare we picked out. I have never pictured myself as the stay at home mom type. I didn't expect it to be this hard.  I want what is best for all three of us, but what is best? That is the big question. Brian has been wonderful,  he has discussed the pros and cons with with me and fully supports whatever I decide. It's hard for me to talk about it without getting really emotional, so I thought maybe it would be better to write it out.  I have already decided to go back, but for some reason that decision is causing this horrible "pit in the stomach" feeling.  The feeling I get when I am forcing/talking myself into something that my brain and heart do not agree on.  Confused.  Is it just my hormones? Is it guilt? Is it fear? I just want relief in my decision, relief from this icky feeling.  This is one of the biggest decisions of my life and will effect everything from here on out. I have hypothetically chosen each and I don't get the comfort that comes when you know you made the right decision either way.   Why does going back into the real world feel like doomsday?  I have decided to make a pros and cons list, so I can have a visual to go along with the tug of war that has been going on in my head.  May "what's best" win. 

Pros and Cons of Going Back to Work verses Staying Home with Fin:
Pros

1. Money, let's be real it one of the biggest factors and reasons to go back.  We would have to live pay check to pay check if I stayed home and would not have any extra spending money for anything. 
2. Friends/Co-Workers/Adults, since Brian and I have only lived in Savannah for little over two years most of the people we know are through work.  If I stayed home I would feel isolated and lonely.
3. I heart my job.  No really, I love it, I have so much fun and work with some amazing people.
4. Quality time vs quantity of time with Fin.
5. Chance to meet other working mommies in Fin's class
6. Fin will get to socialize and be around other kids.
7. I"ll get to keep the great job that I love vs. having to look for another one I might not like as much in a year or two.
8. My insurance is much better.
9. I won't be bored.
10. I will have my own thing, my own life, better balance.
11. I enjoy working.
12. Fridays will feel like Fridays again.
13. I'll have the opportunity to learn and take classes. I could take a photography class or a fiber class for free.
14. I am able to stay close and involved with art.
15. Fin will have more, be able to do more if I work.
16. Future babies.  Our babies don't come free...fertility treatments are expensive, adoption is expensive....working will make future babies possible and that is probably my biggest incentive. 

Cons

1. I will feel like I am missing out on precious, fleeting time with Finley.
2. Fin won't get the same attention at daycare that she will at home.
3. The thought of Fin sitting in a daycare all day makes really sad, sad like tears rolling down my face every time I think about it sad. Will they do tummy time with her, will they hold her and cuddle her, will they read to her, or will she just sit in a swing or in a crib all day?
4. I am going to miss her.
5. Breastfeeding will be much more challenging. 
6. Brian and I will have to do some crazy car juggling.
7. I worry that I will be tired and not have the energy to be the mom I want to be, however staying home I might take our time for granted and therefor not be the mom I want to be. 

I am sure there are things that I am forgetting on both lists, but I think this shows which way I am leaning and what really is best for our family.  It will be hard.  It will take some major adjusting and getting use to, but in the end it will be better for all of us if I work.  I still don't have any relief in this decision, but I do have relief in knowing I can always change my mind.  

If you have any positive thoughts, or words of encouragement, please share.  If you know someone who has gone back to work or are someone who went back to work and survived, please let me know what I can do to prepare.