Letters to Finley: 5 months

You are five months old. It is so crazy to me that you have only been here with us for five months, yet I can't remember what life was like without you in it.  You are the best part of my day, everyday.You are so much fun. Seriously. I used to get so emotional about the fact that you were growing, but now I realize how silly that was because watching you grow and learn new things is so amazing. You are such a happy girl.  You wake up with a huge smile on your face. You giggle and laugh and talk, talk, talk and for a baby who doesn't crawl, you can get around! You can scoot in circles to the left and to the right and roll, roll, roll. You love your toys especially toys that make  crinkly sounds (including paper, especially the mail) and Sophie. You loooove Sophie the squeaky giraffe. The weekends are the best.  You don't understand sleeping in yet, so when you wake up at 6:00a.m. we pull you into our bed and plop you in the middle of us.  We both lay there with one eye open watching you play, you roll back and forth from mommy to daddy reaching your little hands out and putting them on our face.  It is the sweetest thing in the world, we kiss your hands and you smile. We do this until all three of us fall back to sleep.  You were sleeping through the night, but this month you have started waking up again. Secretly, I love spending that sweet cuddle time with you. You are such a funny girl and life is so good with you in it.

XOXO,

Momma

Letters to Finley: Do you want us to put a helmet on your head?

Sometimes I wish you could talk, or at least nod.  I mean on purpose, with words, even if all you could say was yes or no that would help a lot.... Your dad and I have a decision to make about your head. I think it's perfect, but others think it's more flatish than roundish. Others think we should put a helmet on your head, so you look more like other babies, other babies with round heads. Shrug. The therapist says it just cosmetic and that it is our choice. When you need braces to straighten your teeth, I will not hesitate.  When you want a curling iron to curl your hair, I'll buy it for you. So why, why am I so hesitant to stick a helmet on your head?  See if you could talk, I would just ask you. Do you want to wear a helmet on your cute little noggin' for the next two, three, four months?  Some say the flatness will correct on it's own, that you will grow out of it. Would you rather us take the risk?  If you could talk maybe you would ask me why you have a flat head? I hope you know it's not because we left you laying on your back for hours upon hours.  You were held for the first three months of your life.  For the first few months after you were born, we didn't even own a swing or a bouncy seat. I held you. I know babies don't have the best memories, but you remember the wrap don't you?  You lived in it, attached to me.  You did sleep on your back, "back to sleep" per doctors orders. You also have this thing called torticollis, it's a tightness in your neck that makes you prefer to sleep on one side of your head and not move it back and forth, this contributed to the flatness. We have been doing lots of stretching with you and your neck muscles are improving, but your head, well others say it's still flat. Humph. The therapist says babies don't mind the helmets. If I was being completely honest, part of the reason I don't want you to wear one is because of my own pride.  Don't get me wrong my first thought was will it be uncomfortable for you, but my second thought was, what are people going to think...are they going to think I am a bad mom?  Are they going to judge me? Are they going to say things like "what's wrong with your baby?" I tell myself who cares what other people think, but then I feel like I am contradicting myself, because if I don't care what others think, then why am I putting a helmet on your head? Thhhheeeen, I think about what you would want and what is best for you.  Really that is the only thing I should think. So what's best for you? When you do start talking,  I don't want you to ask why I didn't correct your head when I had the chance.  While the idea of you in helmet bothers me, what bothers me more is the idea of you being self conscience for the rest of your life.  I promise whatever we decide it will be 100% because we think it is best for you and if we go with the helmet I promise we will get the cutest one they have and decorate it with princess stickers. When noisy people ask or little kids stare we will tell them that you are training for the 2030 Olympic snowboarding competition. 

XOXO,

Momma

Learning, I can’t get enough.

I can’t learn fast enough.  I want to learn to cook, to sew, to stress less, to live in the moment, to just be, to just be me. 

I don’t what is going on, but ever since Finley was born I have had this crazy almost obsession with taking hold of my life and creating, molding, forming, squishing it into this picture I have in my head. I think it is because for me Finley represents a new beginning, it’s the beginning of my life with my own little family, a life that I have imagined for really long time and now that it’s real,  it’s time to make some of those daydreams into reality. 

I imagine cooking meals that guests requests and that I will teach to Finley. This means learning to cook things other than mac and cheese and chicken. 

I imagine beautiful photo albums documenting our trips, travel, and daily life.  This means learning photography. 

I imagine teaching Finley about our values. This means doing a little soul searching to first define and understand them and then find ways to show her through actions and daily practices.

I imagine family traditions.  This means planning for holidays and not blowing them off….

I imagine a house full of energy, creativity, laughter and fun.  This means tackling some of the home improvement projects and decluttering.  This also means that yard-sale dream needs to happen soon.

I imagine hanging out with friends on my deck, this means stepping outside of my comfort bubble and being social...

I have mastered daydreaming. I have mastered planning, it's the doing I need to work on.  The doing is where the magic happens.

First steps, reflecting on where I’m at, figuring out where I want to be and most importantly identifying the steps needed to take to get there.  The thing I have to remind myself, is none of these things are going to happen overnight and they all take hard work and dedication. Dang! I get so impatient. But, I have to commit and I have to give myself time to learn, to grow, to balance.

Kairos

Kairos time: "It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, 
and I cherish them."  -Glennon from Momastery

I can't believe they're mine.

Check.

After a somewhat challenging day, I ran across this. They all seem simple enough, but you wouldn't believe how often I forget. Thank God for check lists!

Restless.

Wanting something, not sure what it is.  Change?  A new adventure? A new hobby? This is the most grounded I’ve ever been in my life and this free bird is feeling a bit tied down.  I am good for a few years at any given thing and then it’s like, I’m ready to move on.  I soak up every last drop of each experience and then I’m ready for something different.  I believe that everything that comes into my life is like a stepping stone to something else.  Always moving forward, always moving on.  Some of the paths I have taken were planned, many were just stumbled upon and right now I feel like whatever is next to come is just over the horizon slightly out of view. I feel it coming, but what it will be, I have no idea.  Even though I am still on the trail, I feel a bit lost, because I don’t know where this path is going.  Where am I going? What am I doing? It looks right, the view is pretty much as I pictured it, but something is off, it’s a bit hillier than I expected and most of the time I feel like I am climbing and not coasting.  What do I want? That is the BIG question.  

She's a Hoot!

It's still a billion degrees in Savannah, but I couldn't resist buying this hat!