I could just stare at her all day....seriously I could.

He carries her everywhere, she thinks she's flying.

One of the biggest decisions a person has to make in their life is who they want to spend it with and I chose this guy. I knew the moment I met him, he was the one for me, I didn't over think it, I didn't over analyse it, I just let what would be, be.   I have to be completely honest, I think I just lucked out, I mean I had no idea he was going to be this wonderful.  He is an amazing dad, he is an awesome husband, he is my best friend and he is the only person that I can imagine "doing" life with. Nope it's not our anniversary, it's not Valentines day, it just a plain old Monday and I am writing this just because.....just because, he is great and I thought you should know. 

Yes.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/laurageorge

A year ago today Fin appeared

Can you see it? Trust me it's there.  The faintest second line. To a hoping eye it's undoubtedly clear. Pregnant.

Six days after undergoing IVF I did what I was told not to do. I took a pregnancy test.  I was advised against it because there was a chance that some of the drugs used to enhance IVF may still be lingering in my system and could cause a false positive.  There was also a greater chance of a false negative due to the short duration of time since the transfer. So basically the test meant nothing, but to me it meant EVERYTHING. It was the first time even a hint of a second line had appeared.  Brian didn't want me to take the test, since it would most likely not be accurate; well he told me if I took it, he didn't want to know....so I didn't tell him.

I took the test, showered for the longest three minutes of my life, took a deep breath, peeked with one eye, and saw that second line. I can't describe that feeling. Is it right!? Am I!? What if I'm not..? What if I am!? What do I do now..? I hid the test in the bathroom cabinet, got dressed, kissed Brian good morning and didn't say a word.

All day long I searched the internet for articles, statistics and information that would convince me the test was real, that Finley was real, that this was really happening.  When I went home for lunch I switched from reading IVF articles to pregnancy websites.

That afternoon when I got home from work, Brian had the funniest look on his face, I am sure I did too. It’s hard for me to keep things from him, nearly impossible.  He said, “So do you have something you want to tell me?” He had noticed the pregnancy website that was still open on the computer…. I said, “well”…and went and got the test.  We both knew that the test meant nothing, but for that minute we let ourselves believe I was pregnant.

Daycare 1st day, first week

First Day: 7/16/12
Well, I did it. I handed her over to a (a very nice) stranger in a strange (but clean) environment.  I know I am being a bit dramatic about… well everything, these days, but I can’t help it, I love that little chunk monk (as if you didn’t already know that).  She’s of course is fine.  She went right to her teacher.  She smiled at the other babies.  She is handling it much better than me.  She didn’t’ cry. I did. “We can do hard things” and I am adding a new mantra “I’m stronger than I think.” 

First Week: 7/20/12
One week of daycare down.  I feel still feel sad about it, but not all the time, which is improvement.  I am able to go and nurse her at lunch and that hour to break up the time spent away from her each day is what is making this all bearable.  I am just trying to focus on the good, and not idea of her sitting in a bouncy seat starring into space.  Daycare is daycare, work is work.  We would all like to be sitting on an island watching our kids play in the sand, but that’s just not how life works….And even though there can't be sandcastles everyday, there are always things to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful for:

It's Friday. Fridays are the best aren't they? The anticipation of the weekend is almost better than the two days off.  I love hanging out with my little family on a Friday night, ordering out and kicking back on the couch.  

Finley's teachers.  They really are great. They are both a little older and have kids of their own.  They give her lots of cuddles and kisses and keep her clean and safe.  I don't worry about her, I miss her, but I know she is okay.


Monday: 7/23/12
*Okay confession. I do worry about her, but I have to trust that she is okay. 

Kairos

Kairos time: "It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, 
and I cherish them."

The quote above was written by one of my favorite bloggers, Glennon of the Momastery blog.  The link below is to one of my favorite posts. 

Glennon talks about different types of time, Chronos and Kairos.  Chronos time is real time, clock ticking, checking your watch, got to get somewhere, time for dinner time.  Kairos time is life's pause button, it's stopping to smell the roses, it's seeing all the beautiful detils, it's taking time to appreciate, to notice, it's all the special moments that often get jumbled and missed as we go through each day's ordinary motions.  

Kairos moments today: 

1. The sound of Brian talking to Finley early this morning when he thought I was sleeping.
2. Watching Brian fold Fin's tiny clothes and put them away.
3. Cuddling on the couch during Finley's nap time, with a silent but powerful new appreciation of each other.
4. The way Brian showed her every colorful label in the grocery store.
5. Laughing at her, laughing at us.

A new hobby

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, 

in order that I may learn how to do it."

                                                                                            Pablo Picasso

I have always loved photography, other peoples' photography.  It isn't something that comes natural to me like other art forms. Photography has always intimidated me because it is so technical, gadgety, and expensive, all things I tend to avoid. But then along came Fin and now I am obsessed with capturing her every breathing moment.  She's growing so fast, faster than my shutter speed.  Turns out I really like taking pictures.  It is all kinds of frustrating because I know what I want them to look like and I know what makes a photo "good," but dang, there are so many settings and combinations. I now know why they call it "trial and error" and not "trial and success," but I am having fun trying, learning, and in the end it doesn't really matter to me if they are a little fuzzy, a little dark, a little bad... they are my memories and I'll treasure them forever. 


I got a new lens for my birthday and it has been so exciting to play with. It does so easily what I was trying to get the lens that came with the camera to do.  There are new challenges with it, but I think with a little (okay a lot) of practice I might actually get the look I want.  Here are a few of my attempts.  I figure I should document my progress, starting with these first tries so I can see my improvement as I learn. 

Letters to Finley: One year ago today my life changed forever, but I wouldn't know it for eight more days....

When we first met you were smaller than this 

.

Just a couple of cells, containing your soul. 

Parts and pieces bound together that would make me whole. 

So small I just had to believe you were really there... 

Hope of you so big, it restricted my air. 

A 15 minute procedure and an hour lying upside down in a bed.  

Thoughts of you consumed my head. 

An optimistic, but realistic doctor gave me the facts. 

I held my breath and tried to relax. 

I prayed, I whispered to you, I willed you to "stick." 

I envisioned being pregnant and feeling you kick. 

 I fought off all negative thoughts that invaded. 

And then I waited, and waited and waited.......

30+1

Crazy to think that is has been 10 years since I turned 21.  I celebrated my 21st birthday my first summer lifeguarding at the beach, the same summer I met Brian.  I was a wild child, a free bird. A Kentucky girl with unbridled spirit and if I squint really hard in the mirror, sometimes I can still see traces of that girl. A lot has happened since then, I wish I had recorded it, maybe then I could refect back and find that moment when I grew up. 

I had a wonderful birthday.  My co-workers (I hate calling them that, they really are much more than just other workers that (co)exist in the office with me, they are my friends.) Anyways my co-friends, (that's better) went all out and decorated my desk, hawaiian style, and made me a delicious pineapple upside down cake, then I was seranaded with the a wonderful version of the  happy birthday song, leaving my face a lovely shade of bright red...oh birthdays they are good at that!

I work with amazing people.  They inspire me each and everyday.  I am so lucky to work in such a supportive, fun, creative atmasphere.  I have honestly never had a job that I didn't love, but this one, this one is special.  My dad told me once, "you create your own luck."  I had never thought about it that way, but I think he is right.  I have had a lot of luck in my life, but maybe it wasn't really luck at all, maybe it was hard work paying off, or just a side effect of putting myself in or near situations, people, and enviroments that I want to be apart of.  Whatever it is, luck, hard work, right time, right place, I am happy with who I am and where I am.

Letters to Finley: Three Months

Sometimes I think if I stare at you long enough I will actually see you grow.  You are getting bigger and stronger everyday. You have chunky little legs and a chubby little chin we call your "gully gully." You love to try to sit up and if your legs would carry you, I'm pretty sure you would be running all over the place.  You seem to think you are a much bigger baby than you are, you want to do big girl things.  We prop you up on the couch and it's funny to see such a little girl sitting up like a big kid.  You have discovered you have feet, but still don't know what they are for. You talk to them and grab them with your hands, and if you were coordinated enough, you would put them in your mouth.  You put everything in your mouth!  You have started to play with toys, you love to hold onto them, drool on them, and bite them. When  you are tired you rub your eyes. You love fuzzy blankets and want them up by your face when you sleep. You tried so hard to roll over and finally did it, but just once (with a little help from me). You haven't attempted to do it again, to your surprise, you ended up on your tummy, and you DO NOT like to be on your tummy. Smart girl. You are on the verge of laughing and every once in a while we get you to giggle, but we are still patiently waiting for the BIG belly one. You can be pretty ornery.  You know exactly what to do to get your way. For someone who is only three months old you can be pretty bossy, but what can we say we love you, so we let you think you are incharge. You are a wild one and we love your free spirit.  It's hard to believe that we only met you three months ago and now you consume our whole world. 

GET HERE NOW MOMS!

 Half way through my maternity leave, I acknowledged the fact that I would be going back to work and for the first time the reality hit me so hard it knocked me right out the warm, fuzzy, maternity leave bubble.  Panic, anxiety, tears, crept in every time I had to think about the transition ahead. Being a new mommy was a full time job in itself, how could I possibly juggle both? How would I be able to leave Fin? Would she be okay? Would she forget who I am?  These were tormenting questions that tainted our time together.  I was trying to, “enjoy every minute” just like every stranger, at every store, felt the need to tell me to do, but going back to work was weighing heavy on my mind.  

So, I did the only thing you can do when you are overwhelmed, down, sad, and hurting.  I called in the troops.  Actually more like, I called in the generals, General Grams Paula and General Grandma Jackie.  My moms, my heroes.   I called out for help and within five minutes my mom had rearranged her work schedule and my mother in-law had booked her plane ticket. They came swooping in like Good Witches of the North, magic wands, and all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP_wx0qrKu0

I am so grateful I have such wonderful family support in my life.  I tell them time and time again that they are the best moms in the whole world, because I can’t think of anything bigger or better to say.  Perhaps I should start saying that they are the best moms in all the worlds, just in case there are, by chance, some other comparable alien moms up there. Thank you never seems to be enough, but I hope my “Good Witches” know if it wasn’t for their support, cheers, hugs, chats, expertise, counseling, and cooking, I would probably be under the bed in a fetal position clutching Fin, hiding from life, avoiding reality. And according to the “How to Take Care of Baby” books, that is not an acceptable place for a girl to grow up.

Letters to Finley: You know I love you right?

You know I love you right? I wish I could explain to you how much, but actions are better than words, so you know how many times a day I kiss your cheeks, your head, your hands, your toes and your nose? Well it's that much times a hundred billion.  

Case of the Blahs or as my boss calls it a “hooded” day

I learned a new word yesterday that seemed to match my mood perfect.

Hooded:  Hooded defined (according to my boss):  A day when all you want to do is put on a hoody (with the hood up) and block out the rest of the world. The term” hooded” is best used for blah days, sad days, stressful days, and sleepy I don’t want to get out of this bed days. I picture myself wearing a hoody like a hug, arms crossed and squished so far down in the sweatshirt that the neck meets my mouth and the sleeves are long enough I can pull them over my hands.   

Yesterday, I just felt blah. Not grumpy, not frumpy, not sad, not anything other than blah.  You know that song Da Da Da? if you don't here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_i5LL5RVNA (Da Da Da days are a whole different thing) Yesterday, I was singing the Blah Blah Blah song to the same tune. I think it was just a combination of sleep deprivation, the fact that it was Thursday and not Friday, a house that needs a good scrubbing, and a mile long to do list. Life in general was just a little overwhelming and if it was a 110 degrees out, I just might have pulled that hoodie out.  


We all know this feeling. Blah is that voice in your head that mocks you and tells you, you aren't good enough, you don't do enough and you can't relax because there is laundry to fold, dishes in the sink, and floors to vacuum.  “Blah” happens when we focus on the bad and forget the good.  Blah, is a feeling we get when we want or need something, but aren't sure what it is….  When I am in a “hooded” mood, I just want to wrap up in my favorite quilt on the couch and tune everything out, or even better lie on the floor wherever I am and stare up at the ceiling and shout "I’m DONNNNEEE! I’M DONE WITH THIS DAY! HEY DAY I AM DONE WITH YOU!!!," then go take a nap.  Personally, I think it is a normal human emotion to occasionally just want to lay on the floor and shout at the ceiling, however whoever made up the rules of, "how to behave in society" decided at some point that once one reaches the age of two or three he/she should suppress these outburst.  Since, I can't actual do what I picture doing in my head and suppression often leads to explosions; I've had to come up with a new way to power through those blah moments or days.  Basically, the best solution I have found is just not to have them, dismiss them, send them packing, tell them, “GET OUT OF HERE STUPID BLAHS I AM NOT DEALING WITH YOU TODAY!.”  I believe in the power of perspective and I know it works, but it takes practice, lots and lots of practice.  


Here are a few tricks (that work when I remember to do them) that I use to help those blahs to move along:

• Think about (and write them down so you don’t forget) at least 3 things you are grateful for.
• Instead of thinking about all the not so fun tasks that need to happen on any given day, I try to start my day thinking about the good parts.  Good things happen every day, it doesn't matter if they are teeny tiny, sometimes the small goodies are the best goodies.
• Remember why I do whatever it is I dread doing.
• Tell myself "I'm not tired" and stop saying "I'm tired" it's amazing how much just this trick alone helps. Instead of reminding myself how tired I am, I tell myself I have the energy to do this and it makes a huge difference! Try it.
• Remember my mantra "I can do hard things"
• Keep it in perspective.  How important are these stressors? Are they even going to matter in a day,week,month,year...nope. 
• And when all else fails, watch this and believe it :D

Making Special Days full of Specialness!

I have to admit, lately we have sorta been slackers when it comes to holidays….and in the last few months it seems like there has been a holiday every week! Finley’s Birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, 4^th of July, Brian’s Birthday, my Birthday, etc.  When it was just Brian and I (three whole months ago) holidays seemed to come and go without much thought.  We got in a bad habit of living through special days without a lot of specialness.  Our only tradition lately is downplaying, not planning, and fumbling through Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, Easter, 4^th of July, Thanksgiving, Ground Hogs Day, etc. To be completely honest, holidays in the last few years have just seemed like a hassle.  Not only do they require thinking ahead, shopping, money, and effort, I think the hardest part is coming with something super unique and special, when you are already doing and getting what you want, when you want, most of the time. 

However, when Finley was born, I had a “holy eek!” moment when I realized that we were put in charge of her happy childhood and memories.  Now that is going to take a little planning….She has never experienced holidays and we need to bring the magic back and establish family traditions for her….and for us.  Good thing she is small enough to maybe not have noticed how bad we have botched all fifteen holidays in the last three months, but I am ready to commit to finding ways to make special days more special. 

It is Brian and I’s birthday week.  And keeping with our tradition of fumbling through, we haven’t planned a thing.  It’s a little last minute to pull off picture perfect birthdays this year (considering Brian’s birthday is today...), but I have decided now would be a good time to start planning for next year and for all the years after that.  Here are some ideas that I like for Ylisto birthday traditions:



http://www.etsy.com/shop/StarlitNestGifts?ref=seller_info

 

1. Birthday Flags! I love colorful streamer flags and I haven’t been too sure where and how to incorporate them into our world. I think they would be an awesome birthday décor staple.  They are so festive and I feel special just looking at them!
2. Birthday Dinner:  Cook favorite meal or eat at favorite restaurant.
3. Birthday Cake:  My favorite! I would like to find a cake that maybe we only make for birthdays, something super yummy that everyone, even Brian likes. He doesn’t like sweets, he prefers healthy, green things and healthy, green things do not make good cakes. I figure I have until Finley's first birthday to perfect the cake, (and I will need every minute of practice because my baking skills are horrific).  I think this might be the best experiment ever though! I'll post my attempts.
4. Gifts:  Wrapped in beautiful packages.
5. You are special plate: I love the idea of having a special plate just for special occasions. I love this one!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/AedrielOriginals?ref=seller_info



 6. Birthday Crown: Why not! When else can you get away with this look?!  We will of course need one for the whole family, you too Brian! 

7. Birthday Book: Compile Letters to Fin into a book each year, read together on her birthday.

 What about you guys, do you have any unique birthday traditions?

First day back at work, first day away from Finley

So many emotions.  Anxiety probably being number one, next to sad and unsure, mixed with a tint of excitement and a shade of uncertainty. I cried all day. And I mean all day.  At first I was trying very hard to be brave and fight back the tears, but it was pointless, I was like a tooth pick in a hurricane, trying in vain, to hold the flood gates shut.  Tears came in waves, tsunami like waves. I would be sitting at my desk trying to read emails and do "work like things" and someone would stop by and say "Aww your back, how's Fin?" And BAM! Tsunami.  I do not like crying at work. Who does? So on top of being sad, anxious, and an insecure hot mess, I was also annoyed with myself for not being able to keep it together. Funny how mean we can be to ourselves when we are already so down.  Finally, I gave in to my emotions, I acknowledged the fact that I was going to be a wreck all day no matter what (and it was okay), I stopped fighting; stopped worrying and just let the tears flow. All day long I blubbered, sniffed and snorted to everyone who asked "Aww your back how's Fin?"  I was introduced to a new co-worker as, "this is Amber, she is having a sad day." What she should have said was, she is having the saddest day of her whole life.”

It really was. I know people often say, "This is the happiest/saddest/worse day of my life" but maybe not, maybe they forgot about the other days that were much, much more horrible and are just being dramatic.  But I thought about it, and yesterday truly was one of the hardest days I have ever had to face.  I seriously wish someone had warned me so I could have prepared better, but I think moms don't talk about how hard it is to go back to work, just like they don't really talk about child birth.  It is a pain so deep and intense that the only way to understand it is to live it and my guess is you can prepare all you want but the hurt, the feelings, the intensity is still going to be the same. Hurting always comes before healing.  If you don’t know sadness, how can you know happiness?

 I am now a member of the working mom club, the hazing was brutal, the demands are overwhelming, but the reward of being able to better provide for Finley makes it worthwhile. And coming home to her smiles and ending the day with her cuddles makes me know that everything is going to be okay.  And isn't that all you ever need to know?