Flash Back: Beach Days

Family Traditions: Myrtle Beach Picture

The picture on the left is from when we first met, ten years ago.  Since we revisit this spot every year, I thought it would be a great idea to take a current picture each summer in front of Brian's old life guard stand.  Despite having to kick the lifeguard out of his chair, holler at a few beach drunk kids running around in front of us, Finley screaming her head off due to her over sized hat falling in her face, and a camera that wasn't turned on for the first few tries, I got it. 

Letters to Finley: Your first trip to the beach

We were so excited to take you to the beach.  Even though we only live a short drive away from the ocean, we wanted to wait to take you to the same place where mommy met daddy.  You were so cute in your tiny swimsuit.  You loved dipping your toes in the water and watching the waves swirl around.  Every day we went for walks along the beach and then you napped under the umbrella.

The beach is our special spot...

Your dad and I both moved to the beach not knowing a soul.  We were both looking for adventure and ourselves. Your dad trained me to be an ocean lifeguard and we spent three days together talking, talking, talking and on the last day, your dad asked me what I was doing that night and to give him a call.  I almost forgot, but good thing I remembered, your dad showed up right away and that was the beginning of the rest of our lives.

We spent a lot of summers walking out on the beach first thing in the morning and working until the evening.  We learned all about tides, marine life, hard work, people and love.  The beach is our special spot and even now when things get tough, we drive out to the beach and let the water wash away our worries.  

When looking for a place to live, we knew we had to be by the ocean.  Once you have lived by the beach, you can't imagine living without it.  We wanted it for us and we wanted it for you. Every weekend is a vacation. You are one lucky girl, your life will be full of sandcastles, sun, boats, waves, and dolphins. 

Haiku: Beach Vacation

Morning sun on my face

Waves rolling, coffee brewing

One rule, wear swimsuits all day

Fin's first time on the beach.

Fin's first trip to the beach.  This is the same exact spot where her mom met her dad ten years ago.

Ideas, I have lots.

We are still on vacay at the beach and I don't know about you, but when I am at the beach I have lots of time to just sit and think.  When I sit and think, I think creative thoughts.  I always leave inspired and refreshed.  I have a big idea brewing.  It has been simmering for a while...I'm not ready to reveal, but I promise you will love it.

Letters to Finley: Your and Daddy's Song.

After searching through lots and lots of different daddy/daughter songs this is the one I thought your daddy would like the best. I knew if I got it right, it would be you and your daddy's special song. Well, he loved it, he played it over and over and over.  It almost made him cry (daddy never cries), but I bet he will when he dances with you to it, someday at your wedding.

Letters to Finley: Brian's first Father's Day

One of the best things about being your mom is watching Brian be your dad.

The Back to Work Woes.

I have to go back to work in two weeks.  It has be weighing on my mind for three weeks.  I have all of these feelings that I didn't expect. Before Finley was actually here, there wasn't even a question that I would go back to work. I love my job and my co-workers (which how many people can say that and really mean it?) and I love the daycare we picked out. I have never pictured myself as the stay at home mom type. I didn't expect it to be this hard.  I want what is best for all three of us, but what is best? That is the big question. Brian has been wonderful,  he has discussed the pros and cons with with me and fully supports whatever I decide. It's hard for me to talk about it without getting really emotional, so I thought maybe it would be better to write it out.  I have already decided to go back, but for some reason that decision is causing this horrible "pit in the stomach" feeling.  The feeling I get when I am forcing/talking myself into something that my brain and heart do not agree on.  Confused.  Is it just my hormones? Is it guilt? Is it fear? I just want relief in my decision, relief from this icky feeling.  This is one of the biggest decisions of my life and will effect everything from here on out. I have hypothetically chosen each and I don't get the comfort that comes when you know you made the right decision either way.   Why does going back into the real world feel like doomsday?  I have decided to make a pros and cons list, so I can have a visual to go along with the tug of war that has been going on in my head.  May "what's best" win. 

Pros and Cons of Going Back to Work verses Staying Home with Fin:
Pros

1. Money, let's be real it one of the biggest factors and reasons to go back.  We would have to live pay check to pay check if I stayed home and would not have any extra spending money for anything. 
2. Friends/Co-Workers/Adults, since Brian and I have only lived in Savannah for little over two years most of the people we know are through work.  If I stayed home I would feel isolated and lonely.
3. I heart my job.  No really, I love it, I have so much fun and work with some amazing people.
4. Quality time vs quantity of time with Fin.
5. Chance to meet other working mommies in Fin's class
6. Fin will get to socialize and be around other kids.
7. I"ll get to keep the great job that I love vs. having to look for another one I might not like as much in a year or two.
8. My insurance is much better.
9. I won't be bored.
10. I will have my own thing, my own life, better balance.
11. I enjoy working.
12. Fridays will feel like Fridays again.
13. I'll have the opportunity to learn and take classes. I could take a photography class or a fiber class for free.
14. I am able to stay close and involved with art.
15. Fin will have more, be able to do more if I work.
16. Future babies.  Our babies don't come free...fertility treatments are expensive, adoption is expensive....working will make future babies possible and that is probably my biggest incentive. 

Cons

1. I will feel like I am missing out on precious, fleeting time with Finley.
2. Fin won't get the same attention at daycare that she will at home.
3. The thought of Fin sitting in a daycare all day makes really sad, sad like tears rolling down my face every time I think about it sad. Will they do tummy time with her, will they hold her and cuddle her, will they read to her, or will she just sit in a swing or in a crib all day?
4. I am going to miss her.
5. Breastfeeding will be much more challenging. 
6. Brian and I will have to do some crazy car juggling.
7. I worry that I will be tired and not have the energy to be the mom I want to be, however staying home I might take our time for granted and therefor not be the mom I want to be. 

I am sure there are things that I am forgetting on both lists, but I think this shows which way I am leaning and what really is best for our family.  It will be hard.  It will take some major adjusting and getting use to, but in the end it will be better for all of us if I work.  I still don't have any relief in this decision, but I do have relief in knowing I can always change my mind.  

If you have any positive thoughts, or words of encouragement, please share.  If you know someone who has gone back to work or are someone who went back to work and survived, please let me know what I can do to prepare.  

Finley Grows.

1 week

1 month

2 months

3 months

 4 months

Letters to Finley: Two Months

You just keep getting more awesome.
You are growing so fast!  You have lost that newborn look and are now a chunky little 10 lb baby.  I could kiss those cheeks all day long.  Since you were born,  you have always had the best smiles, but now they are on purpose and daddy and I can't get enough.  We compete for them and you probably think we are crazy, we do all sorts of silly things to try and make you grin. Mornings are the best.   You are a morning person, you must have gotten that from your dad. When I come to get you out of your crib you smile big happy smiles over and over and wiggle, it makes getting up early worth it. You are learning so many things, you are very curious.  You love to look around.  Your favorite things to look at are leaves on trees, chandeliers, the picture wall behind the couch and Zoey and Leonard.  Zoey is a small zebra, you love her stripes and Leonard is a funny little lion.  You love being read to, your favorite book is Good Night Gorilla.  Daddy and I read to you every day.  You have discovered your hands and love to suck on them.  You talk! Well you don't say words, but you make all kinds of happy noises.  You love to have conversations with Zoey, Leonard, mommy and daddy, and the chandeliers. You have become much more independent. You used to want to be held all the time, but now you like to play by yourself and wiggle,wiggle,wiggle. You love to be rocked to sleep and listen to the sound of the ocean on your sleep machine. When we rock you hold onto my shirt with your tiny little hand and I have a hard time putting you down for the night. You are so sweet when you sleep and I could just snuggle with you forever.  You are perfect.  You are beautiful. You are smart and we love you.

Letters to Finley: Grams and Captain

Grams and Captain came to see you right after you were born.  Grams wanted so badly to be there when you made your appearance, but her car just wouldn't drive fast enough.  She left work early and drove all night to see you. She spent two full weeks with us and I know that it was tough for her to leave.  We were both looking forward to spending more time together in Kentucky. It is hard to live ten hours apart (well only 9 for grams, she drives fast), but hopefully she will move closer one day.  After spending time with your Great Grandparents, we went to Grams and Captain's house.  To say they were excited to see you would be an understatement.  Grams pretty much held you and played with you the entire time, she didn't care if you fussed or screamed she just wanted to snuggle with you.  You loved going outside with her and looking at all the trees and flowers.  Grams also has super powers and one of them is gardening, her yard is always perfect.  We called her yard "Disney Land" because you loved it so much and when you fussed she would take you out there (to Disney Land) and you would immediately stop crying.  You love being outside, but who wouldn't at Grams house?! It's so beautiful!
Here are a few pictures from our time at Grams' and Captain's. 

Wiggle time with Grams. 

Your aunts and uncle, not sure what they are doing, but I like it.
You have you Uncle David's dimples.

Family.

Napping on the couch. 

You.

Skyping with daddy.

Letters to Finley: Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Bray

After visiting with friends and family in New York, you and I flew south to Kentucky.  People always ask me where I am from and while I have lived in lots of different places, I lived in Kentucky the longest, so I claim it as home for now.  Maybe someday Savannah will feel more like home, but I doubt it. I always say home is where your mom is and my mom and grandma live in Kentucky! I love flying home. When you are landing, you can see all of the horse farms and horses.  It just feels like only home can feel. Your Aunt Kylee was at the airport to pick us up.  She was so excited to see you again.  She is one of your biggest fans! She took us to your great grandparents house.  I was so excited to see them and for them to see you! I'll never forget the grin you gave Pawpa and how you immediately took to Grandma.  It was a "melt my heart" moment.  Kylee captured a few fuzzy pictures that I will treasure forever. 

Your Great Grandpa and Great Grandma Bray are extraordinary people. There are not too many like them. Everyone who meets them, loves them and it is because they have super powers.  Their super powers are unconditional love and the ability to make everyone they know feel special and important. They are sincere and genuine in all that they do, and they are constantly doing for others.  Your Great Grandma told me a secret while we were there. She said that she doesn't like pie anymore!  Imagine that! How can you not like pie?!"  She said it because she makes one or two a week (not for herself, but for others) and she just couldn't eat it anymore.  She has made so many pies, that she is tired of pie.  I am pretty sure I would have to eat 1 million pies before I would be sick of pie, so you can only guess how many she has made, it has got to be close to that.  If she knows you, she knows your favorite pie and she will make it for you, mine is coconut cream and hers is the best.  Of course she made me one while I was home, as well as a cheesecake.  I felt special when I ate the cheesecake.  I felt important when I ate the pie.  We stayed the night at their house and in the morning Pawpa made his signature biscuits and gravy.  There are not too many things that I can think of that are better than waking up in their house and having Pawpa cook breakfast while chatting with Grandma.  It was so great to see them and to see them with you.

Haiku: Our New York Home in the Spring

Freshly plowed farm fields

Open windows, cool breezes

Warm fuzzy feelings 

Letters to Finley: Baby Tour - New York

I must say you are one lucky girl.  You have so many people who love you. 

Your Grandma Jackie and Papa O hosted a party in your honor and it was so sweet watching so many generations come together to celebrate your arrival. I was so busy chatting and showing you off, I didn't take very many pictures, but it was a wonderful day full of family, friends, and of course food! Your Grandma and Papa O's house is so special. Your great grandma, your grandma and your dad all grew up there and every time we go to their house, I get a wonderful, peaceful, warm and fuzzy feeling.  There is something about the rolling farm fields, your Grandma O's, Aunt Sharon's, and Great Grandma's Vena's cooking and conversation that just makes you feel good.  It's the little things about their house that I love.  You can always count on coffee in the evening (hot chocolate for you), cards, cute kitty cats, cake, and comfy couches. AND in the winter there's snow! Which is something we don't see too much of in Georgia.  I can't wait to build a snow lady with you and go sledding! 


Here are a few pictures from our trip:

Meeting Great Grandma Vena for the first time!

Grandmas are the best.

New York in the spring....

Banana cake. Best cake ever!

Your dad worrying about the length of that skirt.

Letters to Finley: Finley Flies.

Maybe I was crazy to attempt to take an almost 2 month old on a multi-destination trip to New York and Kentucky, but hey, there were people that needed to meet the Finley character they had been hearing so much about and I am always up for a challenge.  To think just a few weeks ago I was scared to take you to the grocery store and we still have yet to master eating out and now you have been on six planes, four airports, and 35,000 feet up in the air. 


Here is the almost uneventful story of your first flight(s). 


Going to New York
The three of us woke up really, really early Wednesday morning and drove to Bruiswick airport. You slept the whole way (that was the longest car ride you had been on.)  First flight, you slept. Second flight, you woke up, looked around eyes big and wide, cried for about 30 seconds, just long enough to make your dad and I super nervous and then went back to sleep. We gave you an A for awesome!


Going to Kentucky
Third flight: Dad had to go back to work and was flying home to Savannah.  Luckily, he flew with us on the first plane to Atlanta annnnd you slept.  When we got to Atlanta dad put us on our plane to Kentucky and then went to catch his plane to Savannah. Fourth flight: You had been such a good flyer I wasn't scared at all, well maybe a tiny, tiny bit, but you were now an experienced, flying, baby and guess what? You slept the whole way to Kentucky. I gave you an A for amazing!


Coming Home
Fifth flight you fell asleep on the jetway and slept the entire time.  I must say you were a pretty boring travel companion...but then you woke up.  Sixth flight: You woke up in the airport a few minutes before we had to board our last flight.  You fussed. I fed you. You fussed. I changed you. You fussed. I bounced you. You fussed. I entertained you.  For some reason the airline offers/encourages passengers flying with young children to board the plane first...are they crazy?! The last thing I wanted to do was to sit in a confined space with a screaming kid, whether it be mine or someone else's. I decided I would spare the other passengers and waited until the very last minute to get on.  The downside to this decision was everyone on the plane was already seated and starring.  Half were saying awwww the other half were looking at me like I hope she isn't sitting next to me...  Since, the plane didn't seem in any hurry to leave, I stood in the aisle and bounced until they made us sit down.  You were a very happy girl as long as I was awkwardly standing in the narrow plane aisle hopping up and down, but they (the fly attendants) with their judgy eyes said we must sit down and fasten our seat belt and prepare for take off.  Too bad take off was still 45 minutes away....you wailed. Our seat companion was a middle aged golfer going on vacation wearing a forced smile.  His friend sitting across the aisle from us said that he was very good with babies, so I offered you up to him.  He didn't take you, I don't blame him. You had gone mad, you were beet red, flailing you arms all around, a real life crazy baby.  There was only one thing to do, I had to feed you. Oiy. Breast feeding sandwiched between two golfer dudes... yes I did.  I don't have a fancy breastfeeding drape thingy, so I just tied a blanket around my neck like a backwards cape and went to it. You were happy.  I was happy. And the golfer dudes were uncomfortably happy? That worked for about 15 minutes and then you were back at it.  I put you in the wrap, took you out of the wrap, held you up, held you down, held you sideways and finally you went to sleep for two and half minutes.  When you woke up you stared up at the ceiling and discovered, seemingly the most amazing thing you have ever seen in your whole life.  The illuminated fasten seat belt sign.  Holy cow! You loved it. You smiled big dimply grins and made happy noises at it the rest of the flight.  Golfer dudes flashed real smiles as they watched you interact with the light.  Finally we landed, found daddy and went home. I gave you a C for could have been better. You received your wings and I received the confidence to try it again sometime. Where should we go next?