First day back at work, first day away from Finley

So many emotions.  Anxiety probably being number one, next to sad and unsure, mixed with a tint of excitement and a shade of uncertainty. I cried all day. And I mean all day.  At first I was trying very hard to be brave and fight back the tears, but it was pointless, I was like a tooth pick in a hurricane, trying in vain, to hold the flood gates shut.  Tears came in waves, tsunami like waves. I would be sitting at my desk trying to read emails and do "work like things" and someone would stop by and say "Aww your back, how's Fin?" And BAM! Tsunami.  I do not like crying at work. Who does? So on top of being sad, anxious, and an insecure hot mess, I was also annoyed with myself for not being able to keep it together. Funny how mean we can be to ourselves when we are already so down.  Finally, I gave in to my emotions, I acknowledged the fact that I was going to be a wreck all day no matter what (and it was okay), I stopped fighting; stopped worrying and just let the tears flow. All day long I blubbered, sniffed and snorted to everyone who asked "Aww your back how's Fin?"  I was introduced to a new co-worker as, "this is Amber, she is having a sad day." What she should have said was, she is having the saddest day of her whole life.”

It really was. I know people often say, "This is the happiest/saddest/worse day of my life" but maybe not, maybe they forgot about the other days that were much, much more horrible and are just being dramatic.  But I thought about it, and yesterday truly was one of the hardest days I have ever had to face.  I seriously wish someone had warned me so I could have prepared better, but I think moms don't talk about how hard it is to go back to work, just like they don't really talk about child birth.  It is a pain so deep and intense that the only way to understand it is to live it and my guess is you can prepare all you want but the hurt, the feelings, the intensity is still going to be the same. Hurting always comes before healing.  If you don’t know sadness, how can you know happiness?

 I am now a member of the working mom club, the hazing was brutal, the demands are overwhelming, but the reward of being able to better provide for Finley makes it worthwhile. And coming home to her smiles and ending the day with her cuddles makes me know that everything is going to be okay.  And isn't that all you ever need to know?