I could just stare at her all day....seriously I could.

He carries her everywhere, she thinks she's flying.

One of the biggest decisions a person has to make in their life is who they want to spend it with and I chose this guy. I knew the moment I met him, he was the one for me, I didn't over think it, I didn't over analyse it, I just let what would be, be.   I have to be completely honest, I think I just lucked out, I mean I had no idea he was going to be this wonderful.  He is an amazing dad, he is an awesome husband, he is my best friend and he is the only person that I can imagine "doing" life with. Nope it's not our anniversary, it's not Valentines day, it just a plain old Monday and I am writing this just because.....just because, he is great and I thought you should know. 

Yes.

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A year ago today Fin appeared

Can you see it? Trust me it's there.  The faintest second line. To a hoping eye it's undoubtedly clear. Pregnant.

Six days after undergoing IVF I did what I was told not to do. I took a pregnancy test.  I was advised against it because there was a chance that some of the drugs used to enhance IVF may still be lingering in my system and could cause a false positive.  There was also a greater chance of a false negative due to the short duration of time since the transfer. So basically the test meant nothing, but to me it meant EVERYTHING. It was the first time even a hint of a second line had appeared.  Brian didn't want me to take the test, since it would most likely not be accurate; well he told me if I took it, he didn't want to know....so I didn't tell him.

I took the test, showered for the longest three minutes of my life, took a deep breath, peeked with one eye, and saw that second line. I can't describe that feeling. Is it right!? Am I!? What if I'm not..? What if I am!? What do I do now..? I hid the test in the bathroom cabinet, got dressed, kissed Brian good morning and didn't say a word.

All day long I searched the internet for articles, statistics and information that would convince me the test was real, that Finley was real, that this was really happening.  When I went home for lunch I switched from reading IVF articles to pregnancy websites.

That afternoon when I got home from work, Brian had the funniest look on his face, I am sure I did too. It’s hard for me to keep things from him, nearly impossible.  He said, “So do you have something you want to tell me?” He had noticed the pregnancy website that was still open on the computer…. I said, “well”…and went and got the test.  We both knew that the test meant nothing, but for that minute we let ourselves believe I was pregnant.

Daycare 1st day, first week

First Day: 7/16/12
Well, I did it. I handed her over to a (a very nice) stranger in a strange (but clean) environment.  I know I am being a bit dramatic about… well everything, these days, but I can’t help it, I love that little chunk monk (as if you didn’t already know that).  She’s of course is fine.  She went right to her teacher.  She smiled at the other babies.  She is handling it much better than me.  She didn’t’ cry. I did. “We can do hard things” and I am adding a new mantra “I’m stronger than I think.” 

First Week: 7/20/12
One week of daycare down.  I feel still feel sad about it, but not all the time, which is improvement.  I am able to go and nurse her at lunch and that hour to break up the time spent away from her each day is what is making this all bearable.  I am just trying to focus on the good, and not idea of her sitting in a bouncy seat starring into space.  Daycare is daycare, work is work.  We would all like to be sitting on an island watching our kids play in the sand, but that’s just not how life works….And even though there can't be sandcastles everyday, there are always things to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful for:

It's Friday. Fridays are the best aren't they? The anticipation of the weekend is almost better than the two days off.  I love hanging out with my little family on a Friday night, ordering out and kicking back on the couch.  

Finley's teachers.  They really are great. They are both a little older and have kids of their own.  They give her lots of cuddles and kisses and keep her clean and safe.  I don't worry about her, I miss her, but I know she is okay.


Monday: 7/23/12
*Okay confession. I do worry about her, but I have to trust that she is okay. 

Kairos

Kairos time: "It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, 
and I cherish them."

The quote above was written by one of my favorite bloggers, Glennon of the Momastery blog.  The link below is to one of my favorite posts. 

Glennon talks about different types of time, Chronos and Kairos.  Chronos time is real time, clock ticking, checking your watch, got to get somewhere, time for dinner time.  Kairos time is life's pause button, it's stopping to smell the roses, it's seeing all the beautiful detils, it's taking time to appreciate, to notice, it's all the special moments that often get jumbled and missed as we go through each day's ordinary motions.  

Kairos moments today: 

1. The sound of Brian talking to Finley early this morning when he thought I was sleeping.
2. Watching Brian fold Fin's tiny clothes and put them away.
3. Cuddling on the couch during Finley's nap time, with a silent but powerful new appreciation of each other.
4. The way Brian showed her every colorful label in the grocery store.
5. Laughing at her, laughing at us.

A new hobby

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, 

in order that I may learn how to do it."

                                                                                            Pablo Picasso

I have always loved photography, other peoples' photography.  It isn't something that comes natural to me like other art forms. Photography has always intimidated me because it is so technical, gadgety, and expensive, all things I tend to avoid. But then along came Fin and now I am obsessed with capturing her every breathing moment.  She's growing so fast, faster than my shutter speed.  Turns out I really like taking pictures.  It is all kinds of frustrating because I know what I want them to look like and I know what makes a photo "good," but dang, there are so many settings and combinations. I now know why they call it "trial and error" and not "trial and success," but I am having fun trying, learning, and in the end it doesn't really matter to me if they are a little fuzzy, a little dark, a little bad... they are my memories and I'll treasure them forever. 


I got a new lens for my birthday and it has been so exciting to play with. It does so easily what I was trying to get the lens that came with the camera to do.  There are new challenges with it, but I think with a little (okay a lot) of practice I might actually get the look I want.  Here are a few of my attempts.  I figure I should document my progress, starting with these first tries so I can see my improvement as I learn.